Saturday, April 14, 2012

Save Your Money

Your teachers need not confiscate any more of your scarce stash of cash. Do you know that your best instructors work every day for free? They are right there in your practice room staring straight at you from every printed page of music. All of your necessary musical instructions are unhidden and provided for you free of charge by the composer.

Meet your music stand faculty:

  • Professor Phrasing, expert on subtleties of musical shapes and expression; "Boring" is not his middle name. He is highly sensitive and tuned to nuance, and thrives on correct expression and order within each phrase. Don't provoke him with mindless and heartless insensitivity. Artistry rules here.
  • Doctor Meter, the quintessentially finicky and persnickety guardian of time and precision; Keep him silent and you'll do fine, but by all means avoid incurring his wrath. With one mighty jerk of his pencil, you will be angrily and shamefully tapped to silence, only to begin again. Rhythm rules here.
  • Dr. Decibel, the volume guru; He shows only a few gestures, so you know immediately if you've been bad or good: the lifted hand, palm up, the lowering of his hand, palm down, and the OK sign. If you see hands on ears consistently, change your major. He presumes his area of expertise supersedes all others. Disregard any printed volume levels, and you'll fail miserably. Dynamics rule here.
  • Professor R. T. Q. Laytion, the honorable master of note beginnings; Employing a one-attack-fits-all-notes approach will not work in this class. Each note must be precisely fashioned to suit the printed indications. Sloppy starts and you're done. Correct articulation rules here.
  • The Speed Doctor, the exalted monitor of rushing; Mind you, he is related to Doctor Meter, and "Fanatic" is his middle name. Even the slightest evidence of rushing or dragging will instantly provoke fits and jolts of rage and irritability. You don't want to be ill-prepared for this instructor. You pass this one, and you're gold.

Note: Each of these professors are nasty strict and unrelenting in their obsession for perfection in their own field of expertise. You cross them at your own peril. Many trumpeters have failed to prepare adequately, and have been proven unemployable. Obey each of them consistently however, and you win big job!