Friday, October 26, 2007

Popular Mechanics

Alright class. The curriculum for this course focuses only on mechanics, physical and mental skills developed to a high level. All of you emoting romantic types need not register. (A few students quietly slink out the back door.) As I said, this quarter we want trench men, ditch diggers, and top athletes with a single focus: stamina and absolute control. Espressivo, cantabile and rubato are not part of this class description. Those will be included in other courses. If I see or hear of any of that stuff, you get expelled on the spot. Got it?

Now then, here are the tools you'll need immediately: a minidisc or the latest state-of-the-art recording devise, the loudest most obnoxious metronome in captivity, a decibel meter, and several breathing devices. You will also want to have a berp of some sort, that's a buzzing extension for you freshmen.

Once you have all of these, you will need to brush up on your algebra. I want you all thinking math. All problems solved with no errors. You get paid for right answers. You get docked for mistakes. I want the agility of football players adroitly scampering through the tires on the practice field, each with incredible footwork, wired instincts, and superhuman conditioning. Got it? Think basic training for the Marines, climbing walls, running marathons, etc. This is endurance, alertness, dependability and cat-like agility training in high gear. By the way, you'll need all parts of your brain to be actively involved. No wimps will survive.

Here is your assignment: Concone book - the easiest, slowest, softest and smoothest playing possible. Next, fermatas with dim. to pp. Then incredibly fast multiple tonguing. Impeccable rhythm is a must-have. Extreme register changes with the ability to turn on a dime. Computer-like sight-reading. Awesome extremes in dynamics all well under control. All entrances secure every time. And all of this with flawless intonation.

Our goal: incredibly clean, accurate trumpet playing. Clean players get a lot of attention in auditions. Call it control freaks, that's what we want. You will be popular mechanics. Any questions? Class dismissed. Get to work.

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